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15 Screwed Up Catholic Ideas That May Affect Your Sex Life Even If You’re Not Religious

 Valerie Tarico

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. ~John Waters

The Catholic hierarchy is obsessed with sex: who does it, when, how, with whom, and for what purpose.  In fact, I might argue that one way conservative religion hooks people is by creating psychological hang-ups about sex, for which it then claims to offer a solution.
Sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure are two of humanity’s most cherished experiences. A recent study showed that sex makes people even happier than religion does. The Church knows that. It also knows that forbidding something we crave—making it taboo—can make the craving stronger. It’s the perfect set-up for an institution trafficking in guilt and redemption.
Most people, including most lay Catholics and many clergy, recognize that the old men running the Vatican hold some archaic and ignorant notions about sex. What we often don’t recognize, though, is how many of our own sexual hang-ups come from religion. Even if you are secular you likely have been infected with noxious ideas that come straight from the Ancient Near East and Medieval Europe by way of the Catholic Church or derivative Protestant sects.
If you want to live by your own values when it comes to sex, it might help to ask yourself which of these ideas and messages have gotten inside you in some form–and then check them against reality.

1. Sex is for procreation, which means sex for “mere pleasure” is bad and safeguarding against ill-conceived pregnancy makes you cheap. If you don’t want a baby in nine months you should keep your legs together or your zipper up.
Catholic “pro-life” theologian Monica Miller recently earned herself a Facebook meme when she said that Planned Parenthood should get no federal funding because “the kind of sexual ethic that Planned Parenthood promotes is sex for recreation, sex for mere pleasure.” If Miller spent more time studying biology instead of theology, she might not have made herself a laughingstock. Research shows that sex for “mere pleasure” improves mental and physical health, strengthens pair bonds and eases conflicts between partners, and it does so in a wide variety of species, not just humans.

2. Sex without marriage is “fornication”—the kind of evil sin that, if you are unrepentant, can send you straight to hell.
I honestly don’t know how adults can think eternal torture is a proportional punishment for anything, let alone consensual sex. Seriously. Some Christians need to get a handle on their warped moral sensibilities.
Maybe in the Iron Age sex without a legal contract risked real damage to social structures that helped people survive in the fragile desert environment of the Ancient Near East. (See Point 3.) Or maybe it just threatened the power of patriarchal males who wanted to control female sex for the same reasons lions and chimps do. In other words, maybe ancient Christian sex rules once promoted wellbeing, and maybe they didn’t. Either way, it’s worth asking yourself which is the greater evil:

A teen having sex with their high school sweetie.

Telling a high school kid they are going to be tortured forever because they had sex with their sweetie.

Actually torturing them forever.


 3. Girls should stay “pure” until they get married.
Abstinence till marriage was designed for the Iron Age, when our ancestors had no other way to manage their fertility and society was structured around paternal genealogies. “Mama’s baby, Papa’s maybe” didn’t cut it. So, it makes sense that Iron Age males came up with a model of marriage that treated a fertile female the way dog breeders treat a purebred bitchKeep an eye on her till she’s sexually mature. When she’s ripe and ready, sell her. Keep her away from stray males. If one rapes her, make him keep her. You break it, you buy it. That’s the model in the Bible.
Mercifully, a few things have changed in the last 2,000 years. We no longer think of a woman’s womb as an economic asset belonging to first her father and then her husband. We also have far better options for preventing pregnancy—abstinence sure, if you like, but also condoms and Pills, and even IUDs and implants that effectively flip the fertility switch to “off” till you want it on. Unlike our Iron Age ancestors, we can enjoy sexual intimacy and still ensure that babies get born into families that are ready to welcome and care for them. It’s true that sex can be emotionally complicated, and sometimes abstaining is wise. But the sex rules in the Bible were designed for a technologically-primitive society that no longer exists.

4. Sex is dirty. If cleanliness is next to godliness, then what could possibly be less godly than cum or period blood and vaginal goo.
Sex is nasty when you’re not into it (and sometimes even when you are), and the people who made up the sex rules for the Church lacked access to modern hygiene, so it was even more slimy back then. They couldn’t shower or douche or rinse with a bidet. They lacked deodorants and wipes. The sheets, or whatever passed for bedding, had to be washed by hand. Rubbers weren’t rubber. Even Cleopatra had to rely on shoving crocodile dung up her vagina to prevent pregnancy.
So what. Something can be squicky and still be pleasurable, cherished, important, or health-promoting. Giving birth, for example. Breastfeeding. Cooking the flesh of other animals. Drinking from a cow. Composting. Doing surgery. Caring for a sick child. Having an abortion. Organ donation. Cremating the dead. Whether or not something triggers our “yuck factor” has little to do with moral virtue or the value that it adds to our lives.

5. Masturbation is degenerate and damaging, and Someone is watching every time you get off.
The Church historically has made all manner of ridiculous threats to dissuade masturbation: Hair on your hands! Warts! Blindness! –Like God doesn’t have anything better to do than hide in a dark corner with a stick and wait for us to wank or twiddle?
Masturbation is a very normal part of what it means to be a sexual being. It is the first way that most children experience sexual pleasure and a part of life for over 90 percent of people. It can help relieve stress, migraines, insomnia, or menstrual cramps. That said, it does mean less time thinking about Jesus. Or maybe not. How did Jesus get to be so hot? 

 6. Anal sex is called “sodomy” for a reason—God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah by raining down fire from heaven.
As odd as it might sound to a modern audience, many Bible scholars think that the fatal sin in the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is inhospitality, not anal sex.
But theological debates aside, we’re talking about a story from a sexual dark age. In the Old Testament, a man can freely fuck his wife’s slave or keep a harem of his own, including girls he acquired as war booty. Israelite soldiers collect foreskins the way renegade soldiers collected trophy ears during the Vietnam War. Women who can’t get pregnant eat mandrake roots, like in Harry Potter. A guy gets his descendants permanently cursed by seeing the penis of his passed-out-drunk father.  God is cool with a clan of Semites deceiving and then killing all the men from another tribe because one guy is too interested in their sister.
Is this book really where you want to look for guidance on anal sex or queer love?

7. Virginity is a thing. In fact, it’s the thing, since only a girl with a pristine vagina could possibly be good enough bear the Son of God.
According to the Cult of the Pristine Vagina, your first sexual encounter changes you as radically and permanently as a grub’s metamorphosis into a dragonflyonly in reverse. From dragonfly to grub, lollypop to licked lollypop, gum to chewed gum.  From virgin to slut.
The Catholic obsession with virginity has all manner of unintended consequences: Evangelical and Catholic youth, desperate to keep those vaginas immaculate, are turning to the lesser sin of Sodomy, hilariously spoofed in the Garfunkel and Oats song, “God’s Loophole.”
In Quebec, most Catholic girls are given the middle name of Marie, in honor of the possibly mythic female who, we are told, was impregnated by God at age 13 without ever having done the nasty, and who has been known for at least 1,500 years as “The Blessed Virgin.” But what does this Virgin Birth Story say to our daughters about the value of their brains (or character) as compared to their hymens? It sure doesn’t communicate what I want to say to mine:

Sexual purity is a made-up social construct—far too small to define us. You are your ideas, your values, your dreams and your loves. You are your sorrows and joys. You are what you experience and what you create. You are how you live and who you serve. Sticking something in your vagina has about as much power to define you as sticking something in your ear.


 8. Women come in three models: Virgin, Madonna, and Whore; a female is a cherry ripe for the picking, a beatific mother, or a slut.
That Garfunkel and Oat song about Catholic virginity may be funny, but for generations the cult of female virginity has devastated lives. The Irish used to commit “fallen” women to institutions called Magdalene Asylums where inmates provided slave labor for profitable laundries run by the Church. The movie, Philomena, starring Judi Dench, is based on the true life experience of a teen who was sent to one of these institutions and later spent years hunting for her son. By the time the practice ended in 1996, over 30,000 women had been imprisoned, some for life, simply because they were raped or unmarried and pregnant, or judged promiscuous.
No, that date wasn’t a typo. The last Magdalene laundry wasn’t closed till 1996. How old were you? I was 36, with a graduate degree, two healthy daughters, and a husband I loved—living the life of my dreams in part because I had been free to explore my sexuality, manage my fertility and end an unhealthy pregnancy without being disowned or imprisoned.

9. In men, sexual abstinence is a moral virtue and a sign of a good spiritual leader.
The idea that sexual abstinence confers virtue isn’t unique to Christianity—think Buddhist monks or Hindu sadhus—but it is messed up any way you look at it. We have absolutely no reason to believe that men who don’t have sex are more compassionate, or smarter, or wiser than other men; or more kind or curious or discerning; or more devoted to love and truth (the two virtues most esteemed in the Bible). And we certainly have no reason to think they are better positioned to help guide ordinary people through the practical moral complexities of everyday life. In fact, we have every reason to think that priestly abstinence fueled the Catholic Church’s pedophilia scandal.
Denying yourself pleasure has little to do with caring about the pleasure or pain of others. In fact, it can be distracting, creating a false sense of virtue when none is actually merited. Teetotalers of various kinds have a reputation for being self-righteous and judgmental, and sexual teetotalers have a remarkable track record of hypocrisy—not exactly spiritual virtues.

10. If a man is really devoted to God, then abstinence is no problem.
Yeah, right.
For the record, clergy who exploit their power and authority to molest children must be held accountable for their own behavior, and stopped. Even so, at some level, pedophile priests, along with the tens of thousands they have molested or raped, are victims of cynical Church teachings motivated at least in part by greed.
In the Middle Ages the Vatican saw priestly abstinence as a way to prevent the offspring and wives of clergy from being entitled to support or inheritance from Church coffers. Absent contraception, sex with adult females is financially inconvenient because, when women get pregnant, resources get divided among their offspring. The Church may be willing to impose this financial cost on desperately poor families, but God forbid that the Vatican’s vast wealth and real estate holdings get dispersed to the children of clergy.

11. Female consent is not a big deal: A virgin should be given in marriage by her father, a slut always wants it, and a married woman has no right to deny her husband his due.
Why have Christians and Christian-dominant cultures gotten mutuality and consent so wrong for so long? One reason is that the Bible never says that a woman’s consent is needed—or desired—before sex. In fact, like many ancient myths, the Bible accepts and even condones nonconsensual sex. Imagine how different Christian history (and derivative modern cultures) would be if the Ten Commandments said, “Don’t have sex with anyone who doesn’t want to.”
The fact that a modern man can’t trade his daughter for a goat, as happened in Old Testament times, does mean things are moving in the right direction, but that’s exactly why we need to keep talking about consent.
Our cultural agreements and norms are in flux, and that garbles social signals: A father may not hover over his daughter, but that doesn’t mean her body is up for grabs. A teen may dress like a hooker; that doesn’t mean she is asking for sex. The fact that a college student agreed to “Netflix” doesn’t mean she has agreed to “chill.” A sexually-experienced woman can be just as traumatized by rape as one with no experience. And nothing kills arousal—or turns attraction into revulsion—faster than service station sex; so if conservatives want people to stay married, recommending that women simply roll on their backs is a really bad idea.
The only way to navigate the evolution of sexual norms with a minimum of harm is to talk—a lot. Even then people are going to get things wrong, but that doesn’t mean we should retreat into the Iron Age.

12. As a woman, if sex or menstruation or childbirth hurts or a pregnancy test comes back positive at a bad time, accept your lot in life. Que será, será. Go with the flow. Let go and let God. And blame the misery on that uppity female, Eve, who just couldn’t resist eating from the tree of knowledge.  
No. No. No. No. No.
Sex shouldn’t hurt, painful periods can be treated, childbirth doesn’t need to be hellish, and you are right to have dreams and aspirations. Being born female is not a punishment. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean simply accepting your lot in life; it means shaping it.
This world needs women who are strong and visionary, inventive and courageous, playful and bold—not women who are hobbled by miserable monthlies and unmanaged fertility that make their future (and that of their families) a crap shoot.

13. Having sex under less than ideal circumstances is going to ruin your life as well as your afterlife and vagina because you reap what you sow.
Virtually every adult has had sexual contact they regretted. Sometimes it hurts, physically. Sometimes it messes with your head—and a really bad sexual encounter or relationship can do damage that needs healing. Sometimes—afterwards—we need a good scrub or a good cry or STI treatment, or the morning after pill or an abortion or a therapist. But bad sex, stupid sex, or even assault doesn’t have to ruin your life. Most of the time we learn from our mistakes and heal our traumas, and then we move on to experience intimacy that feels wholesome and right for us.

14. Sex is sacred, even sacramental—so important that it’s worth scripting your life around having the right kind and avoiding the wrong kinds.
Yes, sex is wonderful. Orgasm is a pleasure unlike any other, and sexual intimacy releases powerful feelings of wellbeing and connection. There’s a good evolutionary reason for that. But honestly, life offers many other forms of intimacy and pleasure. Those of us who aren’t jacked on adolescent hormones or else devoting major psychic energy to sexual repression have better things to do most of the time—things like being kind, curious, imaginative, industrious or nurturing—or savoring one of life’s other delights. Just because the Church is obsessed with sex doesn’t mean we all are.

15. Children born outside of wedlock are illegitimate bastards. This means, biblically speaking, that they are not real sons (Hebrews 12:8) and that their mere presence can somehow taint their surroundings (Deuteronomy 23:2).  16. 

Enlightened societies judge a person by character, not paternity, and modern people generally think it’s wrong to punish a child for something their parent did wrong, even something so horrendously bad as having sex without marriage.

For 200 years Americans have been fighting to bring our society into alignment with our founding ideals—that all of us are created equal—regardless of the circumstances of our birth. No child is illegitimate. Nobody’s birthright should depend on the marital status of their parents. When the moral consciousness of the Church lags behind civil society by centuries, maybe that should tell us something about where to look for inspiration.
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When it comes to sexuality, many religious authorities are stuck in a set of scripts optimized for the Iron Age, literally, and adapted during the Dark Ages. Some Church teachings about sex, like priestly celibacy, are so harmful that they threaten the whole institution, while others simply harm us as individuals. But the old conservatives at the top are terrified of change, afraid that if they lose their grip on sex and reproduction they will lose their grip, period.

Religious authorities will adapt only if forced to do so by empowered women who take charge of their own bodies and destiny, and men who cherish creative equality, and queer folk who invalidate archaic binaries simply by living and loving. So, be one. Or partner one. Or raise one.

Valerie Tarico is a psychologist and writer in Seattle, Washington. She is the author of Trusting Doubt: A Former Evangelical Looks at Old Beliefs in a New Light and Deas and Other Imaginings, and the founder of www.WisdomCommons.org.  Her articles about religion, reproductive health, and the role of women in society have been featured at sites including AlterNet, Salon, the Huffington Post, Grist, and Jezebel.  Subscribe at ValerieTarico.com.

PAT SAYS

I think the above article is a good read and a perfect set of escaping from Catholic guilt.

Millions of people were sent to their death by the RCC convinced that they were bound for help because of their sexual misdemeanors.

Millions spent their lives in despair for the same reason.

Of course morality and respect are very important.

But not at the price of living miserable lives.

Because of the RCC sexual teachings the words of the psychologist became through:

“Most people live lives of quiet desperation”.

56 replies on “15 Screwed Up Catholic Ideas That May Affect Your Sex Life Even If You’re Not Religious”

Pat it wasn’t a psychiatrist who spoke the phrase ” living lives of quiet desperation… “. The lines are attributed to Henry David Thoreau who said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and die with their songs still inside them”. We can eac feel a void within us for all kinds of reasons – lack of intimacy being one. We fill in the void with fame, success, drink, accolades, having everything…even sex, thinking all these will make us happy. Anyway Pat, let’s talk about the deeper things of life….isn’t it time?

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12.11
Isn’t human sex among the ‘deeper things of life’?
Face it: were it not for sex, you wouldn’t be here to face anything, least of all your coyness (or should that be ’embarrassment’?) about human sex. Not about the ‘mechanics’ of the act itself, but simply about the evolutionary fact that humans, you know, configure their appendages, you know, and…
See? Your discomfort is contagious.
Who said ‘he that shrinks from sex shrinks from life’ ?
Even God needed the seed of womanhood for the manhood of his son. And at that sacred moment of annunciation, there was allusion to sex by Mary, not as innately sinful deed, but as deed that, in the particular, could be sullied by morally ill-disposed pairs.
So let’s talk about the deeper things of life, then. Let’s talk about sex.

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Let’s talk about sex, baby; let’s talk about you and me; all the good things, all the bad things, let’s talk about sex, baby. Haha love it 😻

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9.03: Castrated Carra: I knew you’d be unable to offer your Wikipedia response. ..The deeper things, outside of beautiful, intimate sexuality, (which I suspect you’ve not yet experienced) the deeper things bring us into the world of beauty, truth, spirituality, God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, human kindness and compassion, emotional empathy, nourishing human relationships, the poetry of the soul (St. John of the Cross: St Teresa of Avila: Thomas Merton: St Teresa of Calcutta….John O Donoghue, Patrick Kavanagh, Fr. Ronald Rolheiser…Teilhard de Chardin and the recently deceased, Fr. Ernesto Cardenal.. ). As for the deeper things, listen to Montserrat Caballe, Pavarotti, Mozart, Verdi, or any of the great composers. Look too at the great artists where we’ll be transported to the “deeper things”…to a beautuful transcendence beyond the mundane…beyond even Mag’s wildest dreams!

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12.38

‘…the deeper things outside of beautiful, intimate sexuality…’? 😕 I think you meant to say ‘sex’, because, while not everyone may experience sexual intercourse, they will experience their sexuality, even in denial of it.

And you do need to take better care with grammar: the phrase ‘outside of’ is needlessly wordy, since ‘of’ is unnecessary to express the intended sense. This is made by ‘outside’ alone.

As for the things YOU reckon beautiful and deeper, these are personal judgements, not necessarily objective sources; they are cultural artefacts that appeal arbitrarily.

As is said, ‘beauty is in the eye (or mind) of the beholder’. Don’t impose YOUR standards of beauty and truth on others, you imperialistic, pompous little fool.

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One learns something everyday on this blog including the price of poppers. I had always thought those words were a quip by Cyril Connolly, but now I learn they are by Thoreau.

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8.42: Maggie Castrated: you’re the biggest sh**stirrer on this blog. Unstoppable, putrid nonsense flows like Niagra Falls from your damaged psyche. You are so blinded by your own caca that you don’t see beyond it to a wider world of beauty, opportunity, self giving by many, priests and religious included, daily Lenten witness to Christ given by wonderful Church goers…Wish that you woukd grow up. Grow beyond your anger, envy and silliness.

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3.18am. Pat isn’t capable of other “things”. Anything – even if lies, innacurate, vulgar and hate inciting – against the Church, is all this idiotic charlatan presents – all anathema to CHRIST.

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Excellent stuff. Inaccurate Crude. Perhaps tough language is necessary to get through to the sons of Gautier and Dior

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We have had enough of control through sex and guilt. The Roman Catholic Church has been a master at using these things as a way of retaining control over the faithful. How many lives has this approach reduced to fear and anxiety, with people dying scared of what God would do to them because of a few sexual peccadillos? The Church knew exactly what it was doing, and most clergy and bishops probably were not too worried about their own eternal future because they knew that this was just a load of crap.
It’s good that people are now beginning to think for themselves. Yes, they might listen to what the Church is saying, but it is only one voice that they listen to, and then they use their own judgement, reasoning, faith and conscience to make their own decision in any given situation. People are generally free now of the overarching control of the Church. That is healthy.
The Church has done a good job at undermining its own voice and authority in this, and in many other matters. Mostly through the loss of trust and integrity that has come about because of the knowledge that priests and bishops have been living duplicitous and double lives, and themselves have been engaged in sin, often at the expense of the most vulnerable. This situation is a existential threat to the Church as it is presently constructed. I think priests and bishops know this. They just don’t know what to do about it. Nobody listens to them anymore. I think they have got to a tipping point where it is too late to turn back the clock. Something else will emerge. I hope.

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Anon@ 9:33. I like what you say, especially that about the clergy realising it is all a load of crap. But I would go further.
I think this applies to the whole matter of religion, belief in a benevolent Creator God, and an afterlife dependent on our earthly conduct: many clergymen have come to that conclusion. Most will never admit to such thoughts as they have too much vested self interest in preserving the status quo: a comfortable position of prestige now rapidly ebbing away from them.
MMM

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11 54: MMM, more repeat nonsense from you. You have expressed this comment many, many times. Boring, repetitive and unenlightening…..can you be a little more original? You do not speak for me.

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12.20. “Speaking for you”? Maybe you’re one of those keeping your head down, toeing the line, going with the flow, not rocking the boat, that he’s referred to. Most of you have been good at “not speaking ” concerning your church’s manifest abuses.

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Perhaps Anon@ 12:20, since you think my comment “unenlightening”, you could be kind enough to enlighten us with your own opinion as to why the curate at 10:06 below, and the possibly colluding PP, behaved in such a manner with the 17/18 year old who tells of an abusive incident similar to what has been recounted thousands of times worldwide in relation to many victims of abusive behaviour by RC priests. Can you explain the discrepancy between the professed religious beliefs of such men and their abusive behaviour, not as occasional human lapses, but in relation to many, their grievous abusive actions often with multiple victims and over many years? How does such abusive behaviour reconcile with a professed religious belief?
And please spare me from any pious guff about human failings, lapses, and weak human nature. I have specifically referred to the ongoing nature and duration of much abusive clerical abuse.
MMM

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9.33
‘People are free of the overarching control of the Church. That is healthy.’
Indeed, it is. Free of those dogs of dirty war.
‘Healthy’ is the appropriate word here, for now a person can simply turn to Christ and lean on him, rather than on a bunch of middlemen who wouldn’r know Christ were his crucified form was visibly and permanently fixed before their eyes. Men who vowed or promised obedience not to him, but to (highly likely) self-contented, self-important blobs in mitres. The very men who then, in a bizarre parody of the truth, go on to call themselves ‘Christmen’ 😅 to use ‘Fr’ Gerard McGinnity’s cod title for Romanist priests.
Free of Romanist confessors (aka ‘prurient voyeurs’)
Free of the obligation to pay them (they say ‘make a donation to them’) for the freely dispensed grace of God, given to every person who simply asks for it.)
Yes, could be the part of the anthem of every person liberated from the self-serving Romanist-inspired cycle of guilt-redemption-guilt…
(Just statin’ th’ obvious, like.😕)

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12.20
Who in his right mind could speak for you, even if he wanted to.
And why would he want to?
In the words of thon song, ‘I am a rock. I am an island.’
And forever shalt thou remain uninhabited, saith the Lord.
Guffaw, guffaw, guffaw 😄😄😄

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Human sexuality is a gift from God. There is nothing wrong with consensual sex between two adults who have fallen in love; but it should be within the bounds of a committed relationship. The rcc has turned the most natural thing in the world into something to be perceived as dirty and worthy of going to hell just for thinking about. Go forth: be fruitful and multiply! Up the fanny, your Mum’s a Nanny – up the bum, no harm done!

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Hi Brendan, can I please have my jock strap back? Also, I left a bottle of poppers in you room just next to the statue of Our Lady. It’s a brand new bottle, you bitch. Cost me six quid!

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The comment at 12:30 pm made me laugh! A deadly but perfect description of seminary life! I don’t think you can complain about only six quid for a bottle of poppers! I hope they were put to good use!

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At six quid a bottle, you must have bought a multi-buy. They’re usually eight quid a bottle, and more..,…

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JusticeforConan, my arse: he’s now with the FSSP … very heterosexual. As to the price of poppers, it would have made sense during the summer of love to have placed a bulk order along with the gin. Happy days – which unfortunately I missed in case anybody’s trying to put two and two together.

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I can’t remember what that Fr Despard did that seemed so wrong ? Didn’t he just point out that many clergy were up to no good, and that they were cruising around, going to saunas, and generally up to all sorts of shenanigans ? He named a new names, but then he was spot on. Is is wrong to name people who are breaking their vows and living double lives ? Or maybe he was supposed to respect their privacy when they were disrespecting their vows and their public persona and trying to fool everybody. And that he was propositioned when in seminary by gay seminarians and bullied when he resisted. I think he also pointed out that some clergy were abusing young people. So, why was he sidelined ? For telling the truth ? Seems like that’s the way of things these days.

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The comments by clerics are very funny indeed and betray their lack of integration.
Do well in human (mal)formation in seminary did you, Fathers?

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Look, most Army Chaplains were gay. No doubt about it. Even in the days when being gay was grounds for being booted out. Everybody knew. Some were very naughty though. Especially those in Germany. They had a field day there. Lots of lorry parks, lay-bys, open air cruising, saunas and leather places. They had the time, and the money, and the inclination. Despard just spilled the beans. And then the knives were out. And he was out.

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Re @8:21 pm nice work if you can get it! Yet, we were told recently that British military chaplains regularly betrayed the trust of those young soldiers who confided in them, and colluded in their dismissal. Never trust a priest!

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Very few clerics on here. Mostly non clerics. Apart from the ‘would’ve-been-wannabe’ cleric, “Magna Carta”, who got booted out of Maynooth and has never gotten over its shock and outrage. It spends all of its day now, bitterly trolling and masturbating furiously, in its attic bedroom. It’s mummy leaves its TV dinners on a tray outside its room. She dare not enter ya see. She did one day and got hit in the eye by some airborne ectoplasm and had to wear a patch for weeks. What with her beard and all she looked like Long John Silver.

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8.57: You’re wrong about the attic – Magser the Auld Ragin’ Hormone lives in a cave – a slug cave…even that’s too good for this monster hater. Otherwise a good snapshot of this deviant without a reputable name. Poor auld Dicey Magsy.. she has trolloped too much for her own sake as karma will ensure her hatred will ultimately destroy her.. Tra la, tra la, tra la…😂😂😂😂😂😂

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12.49: Have a Goat Henry: You Don’t speak for me either. Sorry to disappoint your hatred. Hop along. Cheeriooooooo… 🐴🐴🐴🐴🐴🐴🐴🐴😑😑😑🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗…

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Rev Fr Fanny: “within the bounds of a committed relationship” you say: poppycock! Unless we agree that all those memorable one night stands were short term commitments………..Aaaah: happy memories.

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Bishop Pat, I find it totally outrageous that Eamon Martin and his new Auxiliary Bishop couldn’t confer Confirmation near dundalk today at 11am. They sent Fr Sweeney instead. Many of the confirmandi were dining at Ballymascanlon Hotel today afterwards. I think Cardinal Sarah should now be informed at this lazy blatant breach of episcopal ministry. This is a total blatant misuse of Office.

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That’s lies. The new assistant Bishop done it, fact.
I was there and had my child confirmed by him!

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Sarah is on the home stretch and will be enjoying a well-deserved, not-a-minute-too-soon retirement before any of your letters reach him, 9:41.
What is your theological and liturgical reason for campaigning to have a bishop administer Confirmation?
Indeed, how do you understand the sacrament of Confirmation.

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Dear Bishop B
When I was 17 or 18, I helped out in a Parish in Glasgow area. Usual type of thing, general helper such as gardening, opening the Church for Mass etc. I recall a particular day when the then PP asked me to nip upstairs as the curate wasn’t well and was asking for me. I presumed that he wanted an errand running, or his car washing, the later I did regularly for a couple of quid now and again. I knocked on his door to find him laying in bed. He immediately
told me that he had an erection and asked me to give him a hand job. I told him I wasn’t interested and at that point he asked me to strip so that he could look at me and “sort himself out”. I walked out and never mentioned it again, neither did he. He left ministry a few years later to marry a female (that I found very odd). I do wonder if he tried it on with any of the other younger Parishioners. Dirt sod. After reading your blog for the last few months, I am guessing that this behaviour is common place. Thanks for your time.

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My Lauds,
Sadly, I have to report that Barny Rubbles appeared in a police station in Bald0n@ near ******* at around *am on *Apolo.
*** has made a series of allegations against the honey monster.
I have spoken to the Coastguard in Bal0n@ to confirm my identity and location.
Given that I am in Vaddadidd they are to pass the case on to the police in Ca5tille and L30n
They require a copy of the silencing we have against Barny Rubbles to corroborate my outrageous and audacious lies.
I am now in the position of having to engage a Spanish Lawyer as well as potentially facing questioning by the Spanish authorities.
I have no idea how these things play out here.
I believe it would be prudent to think of someone who may act as rectum if I am detained.
Yours,
Saul

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No, you’re the only one. He definitely never did it before to anybody else. And anyway, priests don’t get elections they are ontologically changed. I hope it didn’t scare you too much though, seriously.

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