In 2005 I wrote Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, a book that I took out of print in late 2010 because it desperately needed an update. Essentially, the volume was penned prior to the rise of social media, the explosion of user-generated porn, the advent of smartphone hookup apps, and numerous other advances in digital sexnology. And let us not forget the cultural changes “gay marriage” (and its effect on “gay monogamy”) has wrought in the past few years. Remember, many in the gay community used to deride marriage as an old-fashioned, demeaning, heterosexual ritual. Now, however, gay marriage is a hard-fought-for reality in several states, and with a forward-thinking president who has spoken in support of it on more than one occasion, other states are likely to follow. This has created a dramatic shift in gay men’s attitudes toward marriage and monogamy, leading in turn to quite a lot of individuals rethinking their sexual behavior, wondering if all the “fun” they’ve been having is actually compulsive and destructive rather than enjoyable.

Needless to say, things have changed quite a lot in the eight years since I wrote Cruise Control. In 2005, gay male sex addicts were most likely to be found picking up hustlers on street corners, masturbating in adult bookstores to video and magazine porn, hooking up for quickies in public parks and restrooms, and cruising the steam-room at their local gym for hours at a time. Today gay men search for sex in much safer and significantly less public venues. Hustlers are found on prostitution (and dating) websites; porn of every ilk imaginable is ubiquitous on the Internet; mutual masturbation occurs via webcams; and in-person casual and anonymous hookups are set up using “friend finder” smartphone apps. Public cruising for sex partners is fast becoming a behavioral relic engaged in only by “old school” men (read: over 40) who’ve yet to embrace the technologic tsunami. And the number of old-school gay men is diminishing by the day, as it becomes increasingly clear that if you want to get laid, you’d better get “with it” in terms of digital hookups. Recognizing this, a heavily updated second edition of Cruise Control – already a staple among gay men in recovery – is scheduled for publication later this month in both electronic and print formats. (See: or

Is Sex Addiction a Gay Thing?

Compulsive, problematic sexual behaviors are not solely a gay men’s issue. The diagnoses of sex, love, and porn addiction are equally widespread among straight and bisexual men, and those individuals act out in the same basic ways as gay men. The simple fact is today’s sex addicts, regardless of sexual orientation, locate sex partners via dating and prostitution websites, social media, and smartphone apps. The only real difference is gay men log on to Grindr, Manhunt, and Scruff, while straight guys use Skout, Blendr, and Ashley Madison. Gay and straight porn addicts also act out in similar ways, “losing themselves” in a seemingly endless online array of intensely stimulating graphic imagery – much of it user-generated thanks to the proliferation of webcams and HD cameras. Gay or straight, sex addicts live highly compartmentalized double lives, experiencing a variety of negative life consequences as a result of their compulsive acting out. Simply put, gay and straight sex addicts are much more alike than different.

That said, recognizing sexual addiction in gay men is sometimes tougher than it is with straight men, in part because Western gay culture encourages a wider range of sexual freedoms than does heterosexual culture. And while this is in most ways a positive (gay and proud) reaction to growing up in a shame-based, homophobic society, a counterculture of unrestrained sexual activity also tends to both enable and make it difficult to identify problematic sexual behavior patterns. In simple terms: If you spend all your free time in bars, it’s hard to determine if you are an alcoholic or just someone who likes to drink. Why? Because everyone there is drinking. Similarly, it is difficult to stand out as a sex addict when you live in a sexually permissive community. Most gay men live in such an environment, while most straight men don’t. Thus, it is typically easier for straight male sex addicts to notice when their sexual behavior becomes compulsive, excessive, and destructive.
It is important to note that gay male sex addicts are not compulsively sexual because of their sexual orientation. Rather, they are compulsively sexual as a way to self-medicate individual psychological issues – depression, anxiety, attachment disorders, social phobia, low self-esteem, unresolved trauma, etc. These are exactly the same underlying issues presented by straight and bisexual sex addicts, both male and female. Unfortunately for the gay male sex addict, his increasingly destructive patterns of behavior take place against a cultural background of dramatically greater sexual freedom than that experienced by other sex addicts. In some ways, the gay sex addicts are prisoner of their own autonomy, with fewer cultural opportunities for self-examination and less cultural support for behavioral change than the population in general. But this is changing. Many married gay men are no longer willing to put up with a partner who is out having sex with strangers two or three evenings a week. Like many attached, loving spouses of both genders, gay spouses are increasingly expressing dissatisfaction with non-monogamy and their partner engaging in random, casual sex. This is bringing more gay sex addicts than ever into treatment.

Gay Men and Technology

For most gay men, the Internet has helped them learn about themselves, form supportive communities, and develop healthy intimate relationships. It has also played a significant role in the de-stigmatization of homosexuality – especially among younger people. It has likely saved lives. Unfortunately, the Internet has also facilitated sexual acting out for many gay men. As the accessibility, affordability, and most importantly the anonymity of pornography, online sex, and in-the-flesh encounters has increased, so too has the number of gay men struggling with problematic patterns of sexual behavior. For these men, even seemingly benign online activities can present a danger. Consider Joe:

Sometimes I go online just to check email or pay a bill, and without even thinking about it, I’m looking at porn or I’m video chatting with some half-naked guy who lives a thousand miles away. Before I know it, half the night is gone and there I am, still sitting there, zoned out and staring at the screen. It’s like being in a daze. And this doesn’t just happen to me once in a while. If it did, I wouldn’t be so concerned. But I lose myself online for three or four hours a night, nearly every night, and sometimes entire weekends are spent cruising for sex and masturbating to porn. Some days I sit still for so long that my whole body gets cramped – and I still haven’t eaten or done any chores. I just stare at my stupid iPad and let it drag me away into oblivion. A friend of mine used to do heroin, and he described to me one time what it was like, and it’s exactly the same as how I use sex and the Internet. That really scares me.

Drugs and Sex

Writing a blog about gay men and sexual addiction without also mentioning concurrent drug abuse would be a great disservice. The simple fact is sex addicts often struggle with multiple addictions. In one survey of male sex addicts (a mix of gay and straight men) 87 percent reported also abusing an addictive substance or another addictive behavior. For many gay male sex addicts, stimulants like cocaine and methamphetamine are the secondary “drugs of choice.” Users say these drugs allow them to be sexual for hours or even days at a time – without sleeping, eating, or coming down – especially when Viagra, Cialis, or a similar drug is along for the ride. Sadly, safe sex is rarely a priority for such men when disinhibited by drugs. This is especially true for sex addicts who’ve already grown accustomed to marathon sex with multiple partners, greatly increasing their risk for contracting and/or transmitting HIV and other STDs. For some gay men, drug use and sexual acting out are so intertwined that they form a single, fused addiction – if these men are doing one, they are also, without fail, doing the other.

Finding Recovery

There are a lot of gay identified men, no one really knows how many, who utilize the intensity and emotional power of sexual fantasies and behaviors to self-soothe, distract, and emotionally medicate themselves in ways that not only go against their core beliefs and values, but also create emotional, health, relationship, legal, financial, and other consequences. These individuals can find recovery in therapy with gay supportive sex addiction treatment specialists – usually a combination of individual and group sessions – and in openly gay 12-step sexual recovery meetings. Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) and Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) seem to be the most popular and welcoming 12-step programs for gay men. Oftentimes, an intensive outpatient program such as the one offered by the Sexual Recovery Institute or an inpatient treatment setting can jump-start a sex addict’s recovery. For individuals with fused drug use and sexual acting out, both aspects of the addiction must be treated simultaneously, preferably in an environment where these issues are addressed as the paired, dual concerns they have become.

Robert Weiss PhD, LCSW

Robert Weiss PhD, LCSW is Chief Clinical Officer of Seeking Integrity Treatment Centers. He is an expert in the treatment of adult intimacy disorders and related addictions, most notably sex/porn/relationship addictions along with co-occurring drug/sex addiction. A clinical sexologist and practicing psychotherapist, Dr. Rob frequently serves as a subject matter expert for major media outlets including CNN, HLN, MSNBC, OWN, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, and NPR, among others.Dr. Rob is the author of Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, Out of the Doghouse, Sex Addiction 101, and Cruise Control, among other books. He blogs regularly for Psychology Today and Psych Central. His podcast, Sex, Love, & Addiction, is rated as a Top 10 Addiction Podcast for 2019. He also hosts a weekly live no-cost Webinar with Q&A on A skilled clinical educator, Dr. Rob routinely provides training to therapists, hospitals, psychiatric organizations, and even the US military. Over the years, he has created and overseen nearly a dozen high-end addiction and mental health treatment facilities across the globe. For more information or to reach Dr. Rob, visit You can also follow him on Twitter (@RobWeissMSW), LinkedIn (Robert Weiss LCSW), and Facebook (Rob Weiss MSW).



chronic, obsessive sexual thoughts and fantasies

compulsive relations with multiple partners, including strangers

lying to cover behaviors

preoccupation with having sex, even when it interferes with daily life, productivity, work performance, and so on

inability to stop or control the behaviors

putting oneself or others in danger due to sexual behavior

feeling remorse or guilt after sex

experiencing other negative personal or professional consequences


I have ministered to a number of people, mainly men, who suffered from sex addiction.

It created a lot of problems for them – emotional, financial and relationship problems.

I’ve seen it break up a number of marriages.

Some of the people we have spoken about on the blog have suffered from sex addiction.

Including priests.

For priests all sex is a lie – because they are publicly professing chastity and celibacy and having sex in secret.

That means their life is a lie.

Many such priests display nearly all the symptoms of sexual addiction.

In many ways gay saunas like the Boiler House in Dublin will attract gay sex addicts.

The human and Christian ideal is to have sex in the context of human intimacy, affection, love and caring.

People on here say you can find love in a sauna?

Saunas are all about anonymous sex, poppers, silence, little or no expression of verbal communication, dark rooms etc.

I think gay saunas are unhealthy for all  but especially for Bishops, priests and monks.


We will continue to provide readers with updates on SILVERSTREAM and MOUNT MELLARY

104 replies on “GAY MEN / PRIESTS – SEX ADDICTION.”

Pat, what did the Abbot General day to you? And when did he say the monk in Canada would get back to you? Or is it left in a file in a filing cabinet?


Dear Pat,
Late this afternoon I received confirmation from Scottish Safeguarding that they had received my email in regards to Evan McNamara and that they would take all matters seriously. Let’s hope they do and show the Scottish bishops for what the are… cowards


Pat can I plead with you as a non Scottish person not to allow this imbecile @ 12.02pm to begin your blog each night with this same old shite. It’s clear this guy is totally obsessed and this is now the thitd night in a row that you have allowed him to do this. Who cares that his email has been received. This is just a pathetic excuse to use the blog for his vandetta campaign. Wise up Pat and wise up the lunatic you encourage in Paisley or wherever the fck he comes from.


I’m sure Pat would agree with me that it’s just a case of calling out someone who is most definitely not appropriate for priesthood. He needs called out for what he is.


Why do you let this deranged adolescent sexually-obssessed stalker at 11.02 continue to harass the focus of his attention?


7:24. What actual business is it of yours and who are you to give an opinion? You were rejected and that’s that. Paisley done the right thing! Now leave him and the blog alone.


Fr Flannery if you know him, has refused to sign the document issued by the Vatican. Document touches on women priests, homosexuality, SSM et al.

Please feel free to comment and thank you.

His website here


“Furthermore, given the fact that he has stated numerous times that he is not a theologian”
Lol, you can say that again.



Don’t be silly. One doesn’t have to be a theologian to express an opinion on the doctrinal propositions Flannery was expected to sign.

There’s a certain, silent hubris in that Vatican document (as there is in your pretentious post): you’re not an expert, Flannery, but we are; so remain silent. You can have nothing worthwhile to comment on these matters.

These are the same men, theologians, who taught for centuries the self-contradictory nonsense that human life was sacred while morally sanctioning its extinction in battle and elsewhere.

These men, experts, were wrong. They made fools of themselves, endangered the spiritual welfare of Catholics, and called into question the claim that the bishops of the Catholic Church received authority to teach directly from Christ himself.


Good for him for at least having the integrity to stick by what he thinks and believes and taking the consequences for it rather than thinking one thing privately but promoting another set of values with which he strongly disagrees publicly.



Well, it certainly isn’t full of sound teaching, is it? Just about 2 or 3 years ago, it realised it should never have been teaching in favour of capital punishment and threw out centuries-old doctrine approving it, without one word of apology for morally misinforming, and spiritually misleading, Catholics for a very long time.

As for not staying in a church whose key teachings are wrong, Jesus remained a Jew, even though key aspects of its doctrine were wrong. He stayed, and tried to re-educate the Jews; this, I suspect, was Flannery’s motive, too: to help steer the Church in a better moral direction.

Do you accept, uncritically and in full, everything a few old men IN the Church teach? They are not the Church, and they have absolutely no right to claim that they teach on behalf of the entire People of God.

Nor, as we have seen with capital punishment, on behalf of God either.


Since the age of 17, Flannery has been living off the Church he thinks is full of erroneous, nay harmful, teachings. I certainly wouldn’t stay in a Church where I thought key teachings are wrong, but then again I’m not like Flannery who all his life has needed the Church as a B&B.


At 4:49pm – oh much much more than a B&B – a 5 star hotel!! Those Reds know how to live and they will continue to look after their “brother” – that poor, suffering, beleaguered, persecuted, hounded and harried, much put upon, holy martyr – Tony Flannery.


According to the camp names list, +Big Delia refers to the Bishop of Meath.
The official title or position of “Kunty O’Reilly” is still awaiting confirmation.


Pat the whole issue being discussed today has been lost due to the Scottish loon hijacking the topic every night. Most comments already are about him. You never learned or listened when it was all about Magna and look what you had to do with him in the end.


At 9:40am

Don’t waste your time. Buckley enjoys it. Relishes it. He wants more gory details about this young seminarian so he can get his rocks off. He’s already been on his Facebook and downloaded pictures of him. He facilitates this loon in his hope that there is a “story”. He only wants to “minister” to the young fella mind you.


Westminster News: the news you don’t need to know
Fr David Knight (to be ordained on Saturday) will be in residence in Parsons Green parish until he takes up his appointment as AP in Burnt Oak at the end of October.
Parsons Green PP is Fr Michael Daley, ex-nurse and Monti’s carer after his “accident” in Rome.


10.11am What sort of trash are you trying to cause mischief. We all know Fr David is being ordained on Saturday so what? Whatever parish he chooses to stay in until his first appointment is immaterial and quite frankly, none of your business. It’s also well known that Fr Daley is PP of Parsons Green so what? However, he was not the carer of Tom Montgomery after his accident in Rome. That incident was blown up out of all proportions and you only highlight this to cause trouble. Yes, it’s well known that Fr Daley is an ex nurse so what? You are just a meddling troublemaker and clearly out to cause all sorts of nonsense. Fr Daley has no association now with Fr Montgomery so your info is not up to date or relevant.


The breakdown in the relationship between Monty and Daley is news to many of us.

What happened?

I hope Father Daley affords David comfortable quarters and a good diet.


The choice of Fr David’s residence was deemed to have been of sufficient interest for Fr Daley to include the “news” in his parish newsletter. Perhaps the Parsons Green parishioners didn’t need to know. Perhaps Fr Daley should have followed the Westminster guidelines on secrecy. Thank you for the update on Monti.


19% of Irish Catholics unsure they’ll return to Mass, according to the front page of the Irish Catholic. All that post-Vatican II catechesis and renewal working its magic yet again.


Another superficial post that can’t distinguish between post hoc and propter hoc.

Vatican II was a General Council of the church. If you don’t accept it you’ve already joined the SSPX.

Are you an columnist wth the freesheet Alive?


Historical reasons: they arose from men, not God.
History, human history, is ever in flux: it is not static. Things do change as surely as your waistline thickened, and your cranial hair thinned.
Let go your morbid, juvenile insecurities, and move forward.
Learn to grow, not regress.
Learn to grow up.


Vatican II was supposed to be the solution to secularism. It failed. Had Mass attendance, reception of the sacraments, conversions, vocations gone up instead of collapsing after Vatican II there would have been non-stop crowing about what a great success it had been.


Arrant nonsense.
The Second Vatican Council was never presented as the solution to the rising tide of secularism. What a stupid thing to say.
Mass attendance, belief, etc was long in decline before the Council began its first session; this trend would have continued regardless.
I suspect that had it not been for the Council, the decline would have been faster, and more startling.
You have much for which to be grateful. Stop grumbling, and count your blessings.


Either the Church was crumbling to start with or the “happy clappy” was powerful like Jacob’s horn.


1. 29
It wasn’t Vat II that destroyed you, Bella: you did this all by yourself.
And time is running out for you.


No, Bella: it is people like you who bring down walls. People infused not with the Spirit of love, but with something altogether different, horrid.


Bella, ‘clap your hands and shout joyful praises to God’! Psalm 47:1
Don’t be such a moanful minnie.😭 Are you not saved? 😁


Surprise! Surprise! that didn’t take ye long Polly, but you’re wrong again, it never destroyed me nor could it. I just ignored it but I am much refreshed by Summorum Pontificam, now get back to the bog you crawled out of ye ould wagon.


“Are you not saved” you sound like some ould proddy heretic. I am a faithful member of The One True Church and I’m very happy and at the moment just for you I’m singing The Te Deum no need to clap hands.


4:06 pm
Bella, we’re all Gods children, even the proddy heretics. Come out of the ghetto!


Dear Pat and Blog Readers, could you please remember my Brother in Law at Mass. He is in ICU with Covid 19 in the U.S.A. he is not doing good at all. 7 Years ago he had a Liver and Kidney transplant. His name is Sergio Gutierrez. Thank You Pat and to all for the Prayers.


Very good. Let us all start praying for Sergio now. Let’s like a candle in our kitchen for him 😇


How could you have ministered to sex-addicted men without appropriate training, skills, and qualifications, Pat?


2:07 pm

The capacity to establish a relationship with another human being is the essential crucial component of any therapeutic context.


Absolutely. And that refers to doctors, counsellors, therapists, priests etc.


Listening, accepting, encouraging, putting them in touch with professionals and Sex Anonymous and praying with and for them.


On that basis, what appropriate training, skills, and qualifications did the Maynooth and Irish College deans have to deal with the sex-addicted men in their seminaries?


How do you know dean’s had to deal with sex-addicted men in Maynooth and Rome?
You need to ask the authorities in both colleges the qualifications of particular members
of faculty. Is seminary formation a therapeutic context?



You can’t have been following the blog since 2016, the notorious summer of love, when +Pat blew the lid off Maynooth and exposed what Dermo memorably described as “strange goings-on”. You couldn’t move for sex addicts.


Yes, strange goings on in a Catholic seminary.
Summer of love or summer of lust?
A consequence of promiscuity or predominantly sex addiction?


I don’t think priests and monks are sex addicts, Bp Pat, they’re just gay, although some, for example, Misses Pursie and Kirby, maybe exponentially more gayer than the average faggot.


Banned Redemptorist priest Fr Tony Flannery (73) has declined a Vatican offer of a return to ministry if he promised silence and and signed statements on church teachings.
The offer made by Rome in July would have involved signing documentsasserting church teaching on women priests, homosexuality, same sex marriage, and gender theory
Co-founder of the Association of Catholic Priests, Fr Flannery was suspended in 2012 from public ministry by the Vatican for publicly expressing support for women’s ordination and same sex marriage as well as more liberal views on homosexuality.
Last February the Redemptorists’ Superior General in Rome Michael Brehl wrote to the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) making representations for Fr Flannery’s return to public ministry. It , in turn, followed correspondence with him last year by the Redemptorists’ leadership in Ireland.
They did so as, under the leadership of Pope Francis, issues such as the equality and ordination of women are now freely discussed in the Church as is a more compassionate and nuanced approach to homosexuality.
The CDF responded that “Fr Flannery should not return to public ministry prior to submitting a signed statement regarding his positions on homosexuality, civil unions between persons of the same sex, and the admission of women to the priesthood.”
It said “the Irish Provincial should ask Fr Flannery to give his assent to the statement by providing his signature in each of the places indicated (enclosure).” This latter referred to separate statements asserting church teaching in each relevant area with space for Fr Flannery to sign his assent.
The CDF response continued: “After the statement is signed and received, a gradual readmission of Fr Flannery to the exercise of public ministry will be possible by way of an agreement with this Congregation. Furthermore, given the fact that he has stated numerous times that he is not a theologian, he should be asked to not speak publically on the above-mentioned topics which have caused problems in the past.”
As well as signing separate statements on each issue, Fr Flannery was also asked to sign an additional paragraph which stated “I, Fr Tony Flannery C.Ss.R, submit to all of the above doctrinal propositions given by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith as they pertain to the Church’s teaching on the: 1. Reservation of the sacred priesthood to men alone; 2. The moral liceity of homosexual practices; 3. The legal recognition of marriage between persons of the same sex; and 4. ‘Gender Theory’.”
Responding to the CDF document, Fr Flannery said he was “not surprised, but disappointed and saddened” by it. “In my view it is a document that, both in tone and content, would be more at home in the 19th century. I could not possibly sign those propositions.”
The issue of equality, and ordination, of women “is now freely discussed in the Church,” he said, and that he was “on record for many years now in supporting, indeed emphasizing the necessity, of full equality for women, including ordination. How could I possibly sign that first proposition.”
The same applied to “ official Church language on homosexuality and homosexual relationships,” which he described as “appalling. I could not submit to it. As regards same sex marriage, I voted in favour of it. I don’t know enough about Gender Theory to have any strong views on it, and I don’t know where that one came from.”
He felt this was “the end of the line in terms of priestly ministry for me. I could not possibly have any more dealings with a body that produces such a document. Life is too short – especially at 73”.
Next month Fr Flannery’s latest book ‘From the Outside; Rethinking Church Doctrine’ will be published.


Hi bishop Pat, any news on Rob McNamara and his notorious housekeeper? They are now inflicted upon the parish of moycullen in county Galway, the bishop of Galway denying all knowledge of any issues with the pair


Would some of the recent graduates of the Dominicans’ seminary in Dublin come on here and give an account of their studies there – and of the formation on offer. Fr David McGovern perhaps?


If you want an expose of the Dominican approach to the vow of chastity that will not be academic or theological – so devotees of Aquinas will be guaranteed satisfaction, Fr John Harris, an up and coming young Dominican is your man.


How convenient that the story of attention-seeking Flannery’s disobedience and alleged silencing appears the week before his latest book is out. It should be called ‘Non Serviam’.


It is clericalist of Flannery to admit that he is no theologian but is happy to write books and share his heterodox views with RTE and the Irish Times etc. If he is not a theologian he only gains those platforms because he is a priest, so he has a form of clericalist privilege that he, Darcy, Hoban and the other priestly non-theologian moaners are happy to exploit. As I say, very clericalist.


Saint Thomas Aquinas, who could lay some small claim to the title says that we are not theologians but rather students of theology. God is the sole theologian.


Talk is great stuff hi but water makes the flowers grow. Of course sex addiction is not a gay thing but part of the long list of pitfalls humans are vulnerable to Some lifestyles and families have a predisposition to alcoholism. Seems clerical circles among others has a predisposition towards sexual fantasies and inappropriate expression of same. AA says my name is so nso and I’m an alcoholic. Should some who use sex and power inappropriately say my name is Con Dom and I am….whatever There are also enablers out there who spout rhetoric while the show goes on


A very nasty thing was done to me & our peers when we were 14 at a secular school. A new batch of teachers told us we should be having sex.
I wish to stress:
– the sex lesson in the actual biology lessons was fine;
– when we circulated sexual information amongst ourselves it was informally and without any sense of exerting authority over each other.
That was 50 years ago and I think it is ghoulish for authority figures older than we were to butt in on such matters and insinuate pressure. It is still being done by authority figures. Instead of leaving the young some privacy. Now add the way they are brainwashed to think everything has no meaning and to not think for themselves or stand up for themselves.
Every time a woman is sentenced for seducing a boy there is a crop of articles from men that say “it was every boy’s dream”. Well what if we had some sense all along to know what wasn’t the right thing for us, i.e not suitable for us and therefore not wanted by us. There are ghouls “getting off” and they are in positions of influence and writing articles.
People who have got no respect for the young have got no respect for anybody. Us older folks know we are still in for a rough ride if we stand up to anyone. Anyone will try something irregular on us, all the time.


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