The tragic nature of life was brought home to me this weekend when a man whose marriage I celebrated 30 years ago came to tell me of his very sad year.
I celebrated the marriage of Peter and Deirdre in The Oratory 30 years ago.
Sadly, Deirdre, perished of cancer one year ago yesterday, January 21 st.
That was enough tragedy for anyone for a year of longer.
But nine months Peter and Deirdre’s son Peter (28) died tragically – unable to cope with the loss of his mother.
And, sadly, there was more tragedy.
I celebrated the marriage of friends of theirs in St Peter’s Cathedral 40 years ago and sadly this bride is now also dying of cancer.
So, yesterday, I offered my 12 noon Mass for Deirdre, Peter Junior and Kate.
I wanted to ask my blog readers to keep these people in your prayers.
Of course, we must accept that tragedy is a fact of life.
And we must also try to find ways of coping with life’s tragedies.
The worst thing that ever happened to me was the death of my mother Jo (Josephine) in August 2006.
I was the first born of her 17 children.
And she lived with me at The Oratory for the last 16 years of her life.
How did I cope with her loss?
1. Well, first of all I was helped by my faith. I KNEW she was in Heaven and I KNOW I will see her again.
2. I had no problem in allowing myself to weep bitterly and often about her loss. I cried at home in and out of bed. I cried in the car. When it rained I would stop the car and let go completely.
3. I continued to this day talking about her and every chance I get I recall her life in all its detail.
4. I went into bereavement counselling in Belfast – both one to one counselling and, later, group counselling.
Coming towards the end of my counselling I did something I had never even thought about before. I gave Jo my PERMISSION to be gone.
5. On her first anniversary I was having dinner and a drink with 4 friends and some of them were playing music.
All of a sudden one ofbtgem said to me: “Pat, there’s a woman st the door looking gor you”.
I looked at first and thought it eas my sister. Then I realised it was my mother. We all raced to the door and all 5 ofbus saw her standing in the garden beside a beautiful Chinese Lantern tree. She smiled at me and waved at me. I knew she was telling me everything was ok and that she was happy.
That appearance happened at 10.40 pm on the night of August 3rd 2007. It hapoened again at 11.10 pm the same night – and it has never hapoened since.
6. Occasionally I feel her shadow passing me in the house or get a whiff of her favourite perfume.
Do I still miss her?
Of course I do.
Would I bring her back?
I know that’s an impossibility and there’s no point pondering on it.
In ways, she is still here with me.
So I think I have learned how to cope with tragedy:
1. Allow yourself to experience your tragedy in all its force and power and stay with it as a rider stays with a bucking bronco.
2. Cry yourself dry as often as you can and for as long as you can.
3. If you can, pray and believe.
4. Proactively, put yourself into counselling and therapy and stick with it.
5. Give the tragedy permission to been in your life for as long as it wants and takes.
6. Keep as busy as you can and keep out and don’t spend too much time alone.
7. And keep telling yourself that sone day soon it will get better.
8. Spend time with family and friends and do things that give you pleasure and peace of mind.
9. Realise that physical activity is a great antidote to a tormented mind.
As “God” said to the “Athiest” in the film OH GOD starring George Burns and John Denver:
“When you are not normal, behave normal and soon you will feel normal”.
THIS PRAYER HELPS ME WHEN I AM TROUBLED
I Kiss the Wounds…
I kiss the wound on Your Sacred Head,
With sorrow deep and true;
May every thought of mine today
Be a thousand acts of love for You,
Of love for You, dear Lord.
I kiss the wound on Your Sacred Shoulder,
With sorrow deep and true;
May every cross I bear today,
Be a thousand acts of love for You,
Of love for You, dear Lord.
I kiss the wounds on Your Sacred Hands,
With sorrow deep and true;
May every task I do today,
Be a thousand acts of love for You,
Of love for You, dear Lord.
I kiss the wounds on Your Sacred Feet,
With sorrow deep and true,
May every step I take today,
Be a thousand acts of love for You,
Of love for You, dear Lord.
I kiss the wounds in Your Sacred Heart,
With sorrow deep and true;
May every beat of my heart today,
Be a million acts of love for You,
Of love for You, dear Lord.
BISHOP PAT BUCKLEY 